Everyone has a unique perception of what a dad is or should be. We are, after all, born under different circumstances and cultures. I’d like to take the time to share what I think a dad is based on my own experience.
For 12 years of my childhood, I didn’t have a present father. In fact, he didn’t know I existed until I was 2. He went on to get married and had a child of his own, a sister I met once. The story (because families are about juicy stories) is that he lied to his wife about who I was at family gatherings and after she found out, didn’t allow him to associate with me. What I did have were father figures. My uncle, my “bio” dad’s brother, acted as the predominant father figure in my early life. I don’t know for sure what compelled him to ensure I remained in contact with my father’s side of the family. Perhaps he felt responsible for his youngest brother’s actions and had a strong sense of justice. That sense of justice followed him through his career as a police officer and he is now happily retired. He made sure to instill values he believed to be important during our forty-minute drives through San Diego freeways. It was the usual: do the right thing, do well in school, get a good paying job, and invest in a 401k. I find this amusing in my adulthood as these were the traditional baby boomer lessons for many in my millennial generation. I’m thankful for my uncle and his time spent with me. It allowed me to make good decisions during my chaotic teenage years. Some lessons I learned the hard way and that’s ok too.
My mom got remarried when I was 12. My new stepfather was a big bear of a man that matched the size of his heart. Coming into my life during my teenage years, he had his work cut out for him. Despite this challenge, he taught me so many things I wanted to bring into my child’s life. He bought ATVs and dirt bikes to go into desert and ride out on weekends. I remember going head first over the handlebars after attempting a six-foot jump in fifth gear. For about thirty seconds, as I was splayed out on the dirt, I couldn’t feel my body. I see his face hovering over me in panic. As the shock subsided, I was able to get up and the relief on his face was a prayer being answered. I learned people get real religious when health is involved. That night, battered and bruised, I can still recall the distinct sweet smell the smoke of a bonfire we had. We were using the wood from a road sign we found on the road and butchered to not freeze that night. “Road Work Ahead”. I still think the metal sign is still in my dad’s garage. Those were some of the fondest memories of my youth. After having a kid of my own, it’s unbelievable what he was able to do for us with what little he had. It seems like today, money is a source of struggle for any family looking for activities.
I never got the full opportunity to do everything my father figures did for me with my son in my adulthood. “We are living mirror lives” my stepdad told me once during my divorce and custody battle 10 years ago. He was sharing some wisdom of being father in a shared custody arrangement. Even in my twenties I could see that custody has nothing to do with the children. It has everything to do with the pain of the parents. I wanted to let that pain go and it took years. Time heals all wounds. I made a life-altering decision back then and sacrificed my custody. I believed my son would benefit from having a custodial parent and definite structure in his life. It was what was best for him and his mother. At the same time, I’ve never missed a birthday, holiday, or special event in his life. He is now 13, the same age my stepdad came into my life. It’s a time where I finally have the opportunity to show him what I could not in his early years. Something I’m familiar with and know how to do.
Dads need to impart their strengths to their children. Every man is good at something. Some dads play sports. Some dads are good with money. Some dads work hard. Some dads are good with technology. I believe that every man needs to seek the perfection of at least one thing in his life. Be it golf, fishing, work, money, or even just being a person people enjoy having around. Knowing how to party is a skill too. One of the battles dads face today is allowing the internet to raise the children. Learning how to disconnect, placing them in a new environment or situations, and letting figure it out is what really helps them grow. I believe that is a dad’s responsibility. So if you’re a dad, learn how to make more money than you need. So you can give your family what they don’t realize they want. They want your time and full attention. What better place to do that than an extended family vacation. Enjoy your summer and Happy Father’s Day.