Pain is a merciless bitch.
Pain has come to me again to wreak havoc on all the progress I’ve made in my life: successfully dieting for 7 weeks, exercising regularly 3 months, writing blogs on schedule, learning Spanish daily, and performing my PT exercises. It was a challenge to develop these habits even with a healthy body and clear mind. I always completed all my responsibilities without failure. I knew there was some obstacle coming and it finally came true.
I had a few drinks last Saturday night while playing VR and woke up the next day with the worst headache I’ve had since college. I figured another hangover. It took a great deal of willpower to get through my day. But the pain wouldn’t quit. I tried everything from rehydrating, sweating out the alcohol, performing stretching, and eating well. I still managed to get my daily habits done that Sunday and prayed it would be gone the next day. The headache got worse.
The pain was there 24 hours and it was beginning to poison my mind. There’s nothing more torturous than a severe pain that would not stop regardless of what I did. I started to doubt it was a hangover. I became irritated by everything. I just wanted it to stop. I cursed alcohol. I cursed my own body. I cried to God for help. I did some of the worst work I ever performed on Monday. My willpower was easily defeated. Another day and it’ll be gone, I thought to myself. I was wrong again.
After the third day of this unceasing headache I practically overdosed myself on any over-the-counter medication available. Being a nurse, I always know the recommended doses are generally sub-therapeutic to prevent organ damage. At that point, I had no issue harming my own organs in exchange to stop the pain. I was willing to do or pay anything. For a few heavenly hours, the pain did stop.
It was during these few hours of pain-free headspace that I was in awe of how pain can control my behavior and feelings. Being in constant pain can rot the mind to the extent of inciting rage at everything that didn’t go my way. I wished for people to leave me alone and don’t bother me with their needs. I needed my pain to stop otherwise I cannot function. I fell behind on my habits and I began missing deadlines, skipping workouts, and cheating on my meals. It was the unraveling of everything I worked so hard for. Returning to the old, lazy habits that once sunk my life into despair. I could slowly feel my willpower returning to me. Today is the fourth day of pain and using my overmedicated regime, I was able to get through a semblance of my previous productivity.
I discovered that majority of my neck muscles have been excessively tight and painful when pressed. I’ve since been trying to roll it out and using my massage gun. As the tension subsided so did the intensity of the pain. My partner deduced that it may be related to wearing the VR headset from my Saturday night drinks. I don’t recall anything specific but it may have been due to the relaxed state of the body when inebriated that I may have used accessory neck muscles to maintain stability when the major muscles groups failed. It made more sense as the pain could be referred pain from the issues in my neck and radiating to my head. It would also explain why it was relieved by pain medication, stretches, and self-massages.
My plan is to allow my body to recover and immediately resume the habits. There’s a quality about successful people that unsuccessful people do not have. It’s the ability to recover from speed bumps like this. I recognize I may have failed one time in everything I’ve decided to do for my future. The trick is not to fail twice in a row. That’s just the beginning of a new, unproductive habit. I will not allow myself to fail again. Otherwise I know that it will take a greater willpower to recover.
I learned that my willpower is eroded by pain. This time it was physical but sometimes it can be mental or spiritual. Those type of wounds take much longer to recover and make it very difficult to come back to being my best self. I’m praying just some rest and recovery is all I need. I do have fears about my body that I cannot always suppress. I will continuing praying and tapering off my doses so I can continue to function. I hope anyone reading never has to go through pain like this but it is also an inevitable part of life. I’m going to keep the mind thinking about a full recovery and keeping God in my prayers as I transition through this process. I would appreciate if you could pray for me as well. I still managed to get this post done the night before posting. God bless.