Confessions of an LA Fitness Sauna

If these walls could talk, they’d probably say Humans are so weird.”

All my romantic Hollywood notions about saunas, steam, aromatherapy, and relaxation were radically transformed by a series of experiences in a local LA Fitness sauna. 

After reading testimonies of the benefits of sauna and its effect on recovery and muscle growth, I was sold. I signed up at my local gym for $45 a month just to use their sauna. I had never been to a sauna before. I didn’t know proper sauna etiquette. 

At first, I did what I considered reasonable. I made sure to shower before I went. I wore my swimming trunks and a pair of chanclas. I put all my belongings in a locker. I went in, found a spot, and sat down. But after my first session, it was clear that there was no etiquette. 

I’ve been going three to four times a week for the last six weeks. During that time, I’ve kept a diary of sorts. It started out initially as a method to record my time and physical condition during each session. But I found that 160+ degrees is too hot a temperature to focus only on myself. My sauna visits slowly turned into people-watching sessions that kept me entertained for the 20 minutes I sat there. After a few sessions, I found myself fluttering with great anticipation about what show I’d be seeing that day. In my mind, the sauna walls became this mirror-like alternate reality where people pack into this dark and quiet(ish) room and reflect their oddest nature.

Apparently people do whatever they want in there. I assumed some club members were unhappy they were not able to work up a decent sweat during their routines so they just continue their exercises inside the sauna. The grunts in between squats, push-ups, and sit-ups was reminiscent of an intense tennis match or softcore porn. What amazed me even more is how they can tolerate such high heat while doing them. Being a CPR instructor, I ran simulations in my head on how I would save these idiots when they went down. In one simulation, I envisioned myself passing out just trying to perform compressions on fluffy guys that I couldn’t move out of the sauna. I chuckled to myself.

Another group of interesting personalities were the headphone dancers. These guys were feeling the music and there’s something about a bunch of sweaty, half-naked guys staring that just turns them on even more. They made full use of their stage including the walls, benches, and props in their mental music video. I was very impressed and their energy was infectious. I recently came back from EDC in Vegas and I imagine these are the brave souls sardined at the front of the stage, in 100 degree weather, dancing like it’s the end of the world. I was waiting for someone to pull out some glowsticks, LEDs, and start shuffling. I particularly enjoyed the clinically deaf club members that ran their headphone volume so loud that everyone could hear. I bobbed my head to every boot and cat.

I discovered that clothing is completely optional. I don’t mean that everyone is nude. I’m talking about people fully clothed in jackets, hoodies, sweatpants, socks, and shoes. None of those people looked like they were in the condition that would warrant a pre-fight weigh-in but there they were, pouring 15 lbs. of sweat into their clothes. I didn’t know how I would start that conversation in finding out their reasoning. I decided to fill in my curiosity with my own scenarios. I came up with one where they were preparing for a drug test and really needed the job. They were willing to do whatever it takes to sweat those toxins out. I swear I could smell the weed. I chuckled to myself.

Life can be pretty funny if you can slow down enough to see what’s happening. On my way out of one sauna session, I made my way toward the sink and stood next to this older man blow-drying his balls with one leg propped on the sink counter. I was envious. I don’t mean ball envy either. I was envious of the pure bliss of not giving a f*ck. This is all happening in a Los Angeles suburb so you can be sure this melting pot of weird people belonged to all ethnic backgrounds. Strangeness doesn’t discriminate by race. It was a friendly reminder that we are indeed human and the lines dividing us are really just illusions.

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